1. How come on t.v. when they say "everyone is talking about it," I've never heard anyone mention whatever it was they were talking about EVER!
2. Ever notice how "tourist" and "terrorist" sound so much alike? Do you think there has ever been a foreigner detained at the airport for calling themselves a "tourist?"
3. Why do the Kardashian girls over-emphasize and drawl every third or fourth word? "The way they TAAALK drives me CRAZYYYY. I want to GOOUUGE out my EEAARRDDRRUUMMSS with a number 2 PENNCILL!" Seriously listen to Kourtney talk starting at the 20 second mark.
4. Why do people think that just because they preface it with "No offense but. . . " that they are then free to insult you with no hard feelings? "No offense, but it seems since graduation that you have added a small cow to your body weight."
5. I love those male enhancement pill commercials where they say to call a doctor if you have an erection lasting 4 hours or longer. 4 HOURS OR LONGER, F**K CALLING A DOCTOR. THAT'S AMAZING, I'M CALLING MY F**KIN' FRIENDS!
6. Why do hotels and casinos (and hotel casinos for the double whammy) always have the ugliest, gaudiest carpet that you would NEVER put in your house. This is the actual carpet from our Doubletree Hotel on our trip to Chicago last week. I swear I just expect to stare at it like one of those Magic Eye posters and all of the sudden I'll see a whale or something.
7. How many more trees would there be in the world if it wasn't for Publisher's Clearing House? I got 2 different ones in the mail on the same day. This is the pile from all of the inserts. It makes me weep for poor Akwa (click, whistle, click) Bugwola in the rain forest.
8. It annoys me the way they wrap presents on t.v. and movies. They always wrap the box and the lid separately so the recipient just has to take the wrapped lid off of the wrapped box to get to the present. I mean really, who the f**k wraps this way? I am excusing it on this clip because it is from the greatest show ever made "Saved By The Bell" but watch starting at minute 17:50 to see what I mean.
9. Okay, it's official. I have the coolest mom ever. This was her Easter bonnet this year and I'm not even joking. Sort of canceled out the Easter prayer, though.
10. Who needs acid or heroin when you can look at this stuff? Seriously, that is freaking amazing. These really aren't moving. It's an eye trick. I've never been so dumbfounded and want to throw up so badly at the same time in my life.
Well, I have reached the absolute high point in every lawn mower's (the person, not the machine) life. My swing set and I have come to an amicable divorce.
It didn't start out that way as I had plans to go the Dahmer route and cut her up and throw her in the garbage. That seemed like work so I thought that there had to be a way to get rid of her that involved more beer drinking and sitting than sweating and cutting.
Then I had an idea to put it on craigslist for free. Surely, for free someone would just take it. I assumed someone would take a turd as long as it was free. So, I listed it and almost immediately the calls and emails poured in. Over the course of 4 weeks, I had 3 "I'm coming to look at it's" and 4 "I'm taking it but will have to come get it in a few days."
At the end of 4 weeks, I looked in my yard and saw (see above). Not one of those people even came to look at it, yet alone take it. I mean really, why even bother to inquire then? Finally 2 days before it was about to get butchered, a very nice man from Springfield emailed and said he was taking it. I let him know that I had heard that before and that it was getting destroyed this weekend so if he wanted it, he had to show up by then.
I'll be damned if 8 times was the charm. He actually showed up, took it, and gave me 2 free chili seasonings to boot (he makes it himself). He said that he was going to fix it up for his granddaughter, so I asked if he would send me pics when he got done. He actually did. You ready for this because it's really UNBELIEVABLE!
Are you shitting me? That thing looks better than when I entered this family 15 f**king years ago! Uh, I changed my mind. I think I want $300 for it now.
It occurred to me later why I had so much trouble getting rid of the swing set. It was because I put "FREE" on it. If I would have put "$5, or will trade for chili seasoning," I truly think I would have gotten rid of it much faster. I think if I put a dollar on craigslist for free, no one would take it but if I tried . . .
I bet this would be snatched up instantly. Of course, I wouldn't take less than $1.50 and some paprika. Anyway, back to the story. My yard is so much easier to mow now. There are not 10 extra little circles to trim around. It's bittersweet as it means my babies are growing up, but now I can just floor the rider and let her eat.
I bet Mr. "Chili Springfield" mowed once and said "what the Hell did I just do?" As I mowed this week (I caught myself actually bitching to myself that I had to mow for the 4th time all year, spoiled bastard), I think I found a potential "Callahan going to be ornery in the near future to his sister" stash.
This is what I came across.
It's a large pile of empty locust shells. Now I either stumbled upon the locust portal to Hell or what I believe is Callahan's secret summer stash of sister scare stratagems. There, take that alliteration. I made that alliteration my bitch. I asked him about it and just got an evil grin.
Saturday was when we were coming home but not before stopping by the Taste of Chicago first. Well, guess what. It hasn't rained in months, but the Case's got poured on again. Noah and his ark can kiss my ass.
We got there in time to be front row for a free concert by Disney channel stars Shayleigh (no last name like Cher or Carrot Top) and Roshon Fegan.
Don't know who he is? Ever seen Shake It Up? Bet your kids have.
or why don't you mention the show we've actually heard of jackass, duh, Dancing With The Stars?
Shayleigh sang first. Wait, or is that Carrot Top?
Then came Mikah's future husband as she refers to him now. Yes, both girls got to meet him.
Lukah and Roshon Fegan (or her future brother-in-law according to Mikah).
Lukah and Cal even made a music video to one of his songs when we got home. I thought they did a good job and it looked almost real so here it is. Who knew that Cal had the moves like Jagger? Oops, wrong song.
On Friday, we had bleacher seats for the Cub game. Luckily it was only 112 degrees that day.
The infamous Cubs sign.
We actually made it on t.v. during the start of the 3 hour and 40 minute rain delay. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID 3 HOUR 40 MINUTE RAIN DELAY! They could have played a whole other game with as long as that delay was. So, people say I looked pissed off in the picture. I am actually just bored to death because with a manual scoreboard from 1937, there is not much to watch at Wrigley during a rain delay.
I know. I will watch a drunk girl pass out during the national anthem on her 21st birthday. I nudged Andi when I saw her doing the "close one eye" during "the dawn's early light," by "the rocket's red glare" she was swaying and during "flag was still there" she wadded up her purse and was out. I'm not so sure this is what Francis Scott Key had in mind.
Harry Caray statue looking like he's about to bust out a rhyme.
Our neighbor (Cal's brother he never had) and 2 other Clintonians happened to be in the bleachers at the same game so we all sat together. Here they are waiting to get in to the rain delay.
Cal got a ball during batting practice as did Mikah and all of the Clinton boys. One landed right next to me but I was texting and the piranhas scooped in and got it before I could even react.
The boys showing off their (ahem) balls.
Hmmm. Was this before or after the rain delay? I can't tell.
There's no hugging in baseball!
Cubs won 8-1. Soriano went 4 for 4 with 2 homeruns and 2 doubles. I'm not trying to take credit here but it's plain to see that he kept looking up at me for batting tips.
Well, July 12-14 we took the kids on a mini-vacay since we had already taken a major one to Disney in February. We stuck close to home by just going to Chicago. On Thursday morning, we got up bright and early and were on the road to the Museum of Science and Industry by 8 a.m. This is the middle of the night to the Cases.
We hadn't been there in a long time. So long in fact that Lukah (14 now) was a tiny, tiny baby whose head bobbed along in the front of the stroller. This is a picture of her at the time (faux-hawk and all).
I saw a young, hoodlum with backwards hat and ripped jeans looking at her repeatedly. I was preparing myself to fight off a potential kidnapping attempt when I heard him tell his roughian friends, "That is the cutest baby I have ever seen." Ah, so someone was right about that whole book-judging-cover thing. TRUE STORY.
For me going to Chicago and seeing the Braidwood Inn from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles along the way on I-55 is a major highlight of the trip. To the kids getting this pointed out to them every single time, not so much.
I'll be damned, the moon landing was fake after all. It must have been shot at the Museum of Science and Industry. And I never noticed before how much Neil Armstrong looks like a teenage girl.
The kids were just leaning against this rail for a picture when this Goddam submarine ruined the shot by pulling up and asking for directions to Lake Michigan.
Lost bastards.
A hot chick we saw at the museum.
Model city of Chicago.
Jesus Christ! My model train only came with a plastic tree and one f**kin' cardboard house.
A model of the building that the little girl slid down in Adventures in Babysitting. The model looks more real.
A robot that would take a picture of your face and then do a dance that you programmed in. I found it really ironic that the robot didn't have "the robot" as a dance choice.
The last time we were at the museum of Science and Industry, the only food you could get was a cardboard hamburger or a cardboard hot dog. Now there is an actual food court with actual chefs.
Cal is eating stir fry that he got to pick the ingredients and then watch the chef cook while the chef watched for hot women to walk by readily pointing them out to us in line. Thank God, my daughters didn't walk by or I might have had to cook up a plate of whoop ass.
Remember the amazing Colleen Moore Fairy Castle dollhouse?
I just imagine that her dad gave her this and said, "There. Now don't touch it EVER! I worked my ass off on that damn thing."
I wonder what normal people's vacation photos look like.
Mikah got to be part of the Liquid Nitrogen experiment where they made ice cream with it. The woman said that if she dipped her hand in the Nitrogen and then hit it on the table, her hand would shatter. Ice cream sucked, show us the hand thing, bitch.
Overall, the museum was pretty disappointing. We paid $70 for the 5 of us to get in there and it only took us 3-4 hours to see everything. Let me rephrase that-to see everything that was included in the admission price. There was plenty more to see if you wanted to pay extra (Coal Mine, MythBusters exhibit, inside the submarine, WOW tour, Omnimax, and Smart Home). I felt like my admission pretty much just got me in the door to pay for other admissions. I hadn't been in 14 years. That sounds about right, so I guess I'll see them again in another 14. By then, I'll probably have to pay an admission to pay an admission to pay an admission.
So after the museum, we headed to Navy Pier since we had never been there before. It has shops and some rides down by the water front in kind of a carnival atmosphere. It was pretty neat and one of the few places left in the country that you can walk around outside with a beer.
There was a FREE stained glass museum that you walk through that went on forever. I have never been around so much stained glass without having to sit through a boring sermon. Oh shit, I am going to Hell. Sorry God, uh, I mean "Oh crap, I am going to Heck". Jordan be thy name.
This Ferris wheel was so huge that I imagined once they got it full, the park hours would be over. They would just have to toss you a blanket and a pillow to hold you 'til the next day where they would then unload the big wheel.
There was actually a sailboat regatta (that's "race" for you fellow hillbillies) going on while we were there which was pretty cool to see in person. I tried watching this sport on t.v. once back in the 80's when that Conner guy kept winning the America's Cup but found myself repeatedly turning the channel to see what the Hell Alf was up to.
I couldn't believe there was a lighthouse. I guess there needed to be something to keep the ships from driving through the Museum of Science and Industry asking for directions. Then it was off to the Double tree by Hilton for swimming and resting up for the Cub game the next day.
By the way, I took a shit in the pool bathroom and I'll be Goddam if the end of the toity roll wasn't folded into a fancy triangle even in there. Those Hilton's even shit fancy. I got done and felt obligated to redo the end of the roll for the next log layer. Son of a bitch, I was just trying to shit, not do an origami project.
Okay, this is my tribute post to the GREATEST dog ever and my therapy post. We had to put him down on July 6 because he quit eating and could no longer get up by himself. This was the hardest thing I have ever done.
November, 1997
to
July 6, 2012
Although I jokingly bitch about him in my blog, I lost my best buddy in the whole world. He was the one member of the family that I got to see the most of with me being on 2nd shift and I feel like part of my life is missing.
Please join me for a trip down memory lane (he would stop and pee every foot and a half on memory lane if he were still here). Just to give an idea of how long we had Vegas, here is the last family picture we took with Vegas this Spring (I am not in it because I took the picture. I am kicking myself for not getting the neighbor to take it so I would be in it because I really like it.)
And here are some early ones with him at our house back on Michael Street that we haven't lived in for 10 years and at our house now with baby Callahan.
Learning to shake with Lukah.
A Christmas gift that we thought would take him 3 months to finish but actually took closer to 3 minutes.
The 3 buddies playing in their fort.
Vegas babysitting Mikah and Lukah.
Vegas wiped out from a long day of Christmas present snooping.
Looking to see if he's going to get yelled at for laying on the pillow while Mr. Potato Head looks on (well he would look on if he had his eyeballs).
"I'll give you all day to stop that," says Vegas.
Now I am not sure if we are an extremely lazy family or if they just make good photo ops, but while looking for pictures for this blog, there seemed to be an inordinate amount of photos of we all napping with the dog. See what I mean.
Vegas patting Mikah on the back for a job well done.
Vegas patting me on the head for a job well done?
Or us bugging the shit out of him while he tries to nap.
And this amused me one day a few months ago. He was napping with his tongue out so I snapped a picture of it.
No tribute would be complete without some just random cute pictures of him over the years just being crazy.
Going completely bonkers after a bath. You can see the craziness on his face.
Resting after a hard day of resting.
Vegas with his girlfriend "Fanny."
Early picture of Vegas and his schnoz.
Seriously, could he be any cuter?
My 3 legged dog?
I walked out one day and this is what I saw. It totally looked like he was reading something.
Vegas loved Christmas. Perhaps a little too much as it usually lead to him getting kicked out of the room. He would actually open his own presents and unfortunately once or twice, a few that weren't his a few weeks before Christmas.
Gotta' see! Gotta' see!
This was hilarious. We decided to try to get him in the Christmas picture with the kids in 2010 because he was getting really old and we thought that might be one of our last chances. He WOULD NOT move any closer to them to get in the shot even after an hour or so of coaxing. He had the skids on and that is where he was lying for the shot whether we liked it or not. That is why he is 3 feet in front of them. We knew that picture would make us laugh someday.
Lastly, I'm not sure why but we liked to dress up the poor guy. I can honestly say that I never "cross-dressed" the poor guy like other factions in the house but he never really seemed to mind.
Get back kids, looks like Prancer's gonna bite.
Is being able to lick your own nads a super power?
Oh, he looks so humiliated.
Cutest Easter Bunny EVER! He actually killed a baby bunny one year the DAY BEFORE Easter and I had to assure the kids that it wasn't the Easter Bunny.
Shh. Be vewy vewy kwiet. I'm hunting wabbits.
Teen pop star by day, family pet by night.
Professor Vegas-You see kids, Pythagoras proved that the sum of the 2 sides that make the right angle of a right triangle equal the hypotenuse. Any questions?
The hat's got it right!
I foresee many, many treats in my future?
Joe Cool.
And the following are the last family portraits that we had our neighbor take for us in October 2011. We knew that this might be our last chance. I am glad we did. The first two shots are good ones but it took about 100 pictures of him looking at every moving leaf or bug to get 1 where he was actually looking in the right direction.
This is the sympathy card that we got from the vet's office. It is a picture that they took of him at some point. By the crazed look in his eye, I am guessing it was after a nail trimming.
When he was younger, he just let you do it. In the latter half of his life and even up to a few months before he died, it was a process that involved me holding him in a head lock, a nurse wrestling his leg and Dr. Sterr trying to follow his waving paw with trimmers. It was a 15 minute ordeal with 3 grown adults emerging all sweaty with disheveled hair and clumps of dog hair stuck all over us.
This beautiful poem was inside.
I made a short montage video of Vegas's life in order as he lived it. It's only 3 minutes or so and set to music so watch if you want to see a cute puppy. The full version with subtitles follows. Some of it may make you smile, some of it may make you laugh, and some of it may make you cry.
This video is much longer with some actual audio of us and some songs mixed with a few subtitles explaining the actions. It is a much more detailed account of his life. I did it more for myself but I hope at least some of you will enjoy the many laughs Vegas gave us over the years.
Thank you Vegas for 14 1/2 wonderful years. We could not have asked for a better pet. WE REALLY DO MISS YOU EVERY DAY! Peace.
.jpg)
