My Travelogue About Uh, Um, Uhhhhhhhhhhhh . . .

      We went to Niagara Falls last summer. In case you are geographically challenged as is my youngest daughter, they are our foreign neighbor to the North. Therefore, you need a passport and have to go through a border crossing. We had to wait in a fairly long line of cars to get across.

     Okay, it wasn't really anywhere near this bad. I mean c'mon, it was to get into Canada, not Disney. It still was a wait so I came up with a game to pass the time. We tried to think up funny things you could say to the border patrol agent to get pulled aside and searched. Some of the winners were . . .

(in a flirty voice) "So what's a guy gotta' do to get a body cavity search around here?"

"Hypothetical question. If you were going to hide a body, what national park would you use?"

"What's the going rate for handy's up here?"

"Wow, we made great time! Say, we've got 26 Gatorade bottles of piss back there. We were wondering if you could get rid of them for us. Frankly, we're kind of sick of looking at them."

"So we were just wondering what your gun laws for convicted felons are like over here?"

     This game lasted us until we were the next car up to go through. I reminded Andi to get serious and put her straight face on as we didn't want to seem weird. We needed to brush off all of the thoughts from the last 45 minutes. Our turn.

"Good day sir. Are you bringing any alcohol across?"

     This is the part where all of the sudden I couldn't string a sentence together to save my life. I completely choked. This is what came out of my face hole.

"yeah . . . beer . . . miller . . . 24 . . . lite . . . case"

     That's right. I just shouted random words at the guy with pauses in-between them. After his weird look subsided, he then asked me . . .

"So where you headed?"

     Okay Corey, get it together. You can save this big guy. This should be easy. You've only been planning this vacation for months. Let's see where are we going? Well, the agent was now met with this face.

                               

     That's right. He got a full 5 seconds of me blankly staring at him like he had just asked me the square root of 7569. Andi finally took pity on her idiot husband and saved the day by blurting out "Toronto!" You know what, no more questions. I'll just drop my britches. You get your glove. Let's get this over with so we can be on our way. Surprisingly, he just chuckled at the moronic American and let us pass. I think he figured I was too dumb to be a real criminal.
     This was our first time to Canada and I have to say that I was very surprised when we got across and people's heads didn't split in half when they talked and their cars didn't have square wheels.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt4TjhPdyW8

     I really need to quit taking my cultural expectations from South Park. Now to show you some of the things we saw on the trip. We started at the CN Tower in Toronto.

     We took the elevator with the glass bottom floor up to the viewing area. Andi was thrilled (uh, maybe not) and even more thrilled in the viewing area when I pointed out to her that she was inadvertently standing on a glass floor (uh, maybe not).

     Well while we are making Andi happy, now might be the time to tell her that we paid extra to go up in the Skypod or that tiny little ball 33 more stories up from the big viewing area. 

     They they say you can feel the building sway from up there! In fact, there is a giant pendulum to show you.

     Here is me up there. I'm surprised Andi could open her eyes long enough to take the picture. 

She was a trooper though. So much so that I should have booked this for us.

     Hal, clean up, jumpsuit #3. I even got to check off a bucket list item by eating real poutine in Canada as opposed to our bastardized version we make at home. You have to love a culture that takes something already delicious (French fries), adds cheese curds and then dumps a bucket of gravy over the whole thing.

"C'mon Canada. What, am I training for the Olympics? Slap some fried chicken and a piece of cake on there!"

     After that health plate, we toured Toronto's famous castle Casa Loma. It is featured in movies such as X-Men, Cocktail and Hannibal to name a few. We had a great time as you are allowed to just wander around yourself through the rooms and up in the turrets. Be forewarned, there is no air conditioning though. You can read about the castle here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casa_Loma . Here we are up on top.

"Ah, it's nice to be out in the 97 degree air to cool off."

     There is even a wax museum at the end. Most of the figures were decent but I always enjoy more the ones that aren't quite so flattering. For instance, here is Halle Berry.

Kind of looks more like Jimmy Smits. Remember him?

     The castle was cool but next was the highlight of the trip and the reason we came, Niagara Falls. First, we went behind the falls and I have to say that I was a little underwhelmed. For all that you could tell, you could just as easily have been looking at a cruise ship emptying it's cruise worth's of margarita pisses.

     The real fun was taking the Maid of the Mist boat tour. They give you a giant body condom to slip on and you get up close and personal with the American and Canadian side of the Falls.

     They tell a story about a 7 year old boy that in 1960 went over the falls accidentally only wearing a life jacket and a swimsuit and survived unscathed. Meanwhile, I almost drowned in the wave pool at Noah's Ark Waterpark at the Wisconsin Dells because I didn't have a tube and got out of sync with the waves. Luckily, I made a last ditch lunge for a little girl in a tube and survived.

     Finally, we ended our trip back across the border (made it this time without incident thank you very much) in Buffalo, New York. We ate at the Anchor Bar which is supposedly the home of the Buffalo wing. We got the pasta. Nah, we got the wings. I was just shittin' and later I really was shittin'. Ever wipe with an ice cube? Here they are in all of their deliciousness.

     The last stop before heading home was to see the house that the Goo Goo Dolls lead singer Johnny Rzeznik (try to spell that sumbitch without Google) grew up in. He is one of Andi's favorite artists and he apparently was not too hard to focus the 'ol peepers on back in the day.

     Just think. He might have written Iris sitting on this porch while dodging drive-by bullets. This was a mural that was close by.

     On a side note, I got Andi tickets for Christmas to see them in concert at a very cool venue (Saint Louis Music Park) in Maryland Heights, Missouri. There is truly not a bad seat in the place. Here is very short video from that night of Johnny singing part of "Name." I just had shoulder surgery or I would have been tossing the 'ol Fruit of the Looms on stage.

     I will just finish this with him playing "Iris" in the pouring rain in this, his home town. He may need to pick up a 3rd grade textbook at some point, though, and re-read about electricity and water. Sure makes for an awesome video though.

Sleep, My Ass!

      Sleep has always eluded me. In fact, I'm writing this blog post right now when I should be sleeping. I am at the age and frailness where different parts of my body fall asleep at different times throughout the day but can hardly ever all come together at once to fall asleep for the greater whole. I have a hard time sleeping under the best conditions. 
     It used to just take a few things to give me a good night's sleep.

1. A pillow under my head.
2. A pillow over my head.
3. A blanket below my head.
4. A fan to blow on my head.
5. A cup of water to pour into my head.
6. A ball peen hammer to the head.

     We had to eliminate that last one as I was starting to mutter gibberish and my head was beginning to resemble a golf ball.

"I swam in turkey Jello on Jupiter Thurwednesday. Butthole!"

Andi and Mikah could curl up and sleep in the bay of a jet engine. 

     Just remember to wake them up so they don't miss curling up in the engine bay of the connecting flight.

     Since my shoulder surgeries, it has made sleep harder than ever. For 56 years, I have slept on my belly with one arm over my head and the other at my side like the way the loyal followers of a past historical figure with a silly mustache used to salute him.

     Heil let you figure out who I'm really talking about. Anyway, sleeping like that is impossible for me now at this time and (God forbid) maybe ever. So I have had to try to sleep on my belly with both arms at my side. This makes me feel like Molly Shannon in Seinfeld where she didn't swing her arms when she walked and Elaine said it looked like she was carrying invisible suitcases.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za1XVgQhsJU

So then I tried sleeping in various cheerleader poses with no luck.

"We get sleep! Yes we do! We get sleep! How 'bout you?!"

I wish, you peppy bastards! How about The Bangles method?

"Sleep like an Egyptiannnnnn."

Nope. This then led me to try all manner of referee signals.

     May as well throw the flag now because I'm moving around before, during and after the play. The only one that would have worked was "ready for play" but we know that one's out.
     So then I was forced to try the worst one yet, on my back. Dammit, I was saving that one for the 'ol coffin, at least for the presentin' part then I was going to roll over when I got in the ground. I'm just assuming you "long living" bastards don't want to have to blubber how great I was to the back of my head before I toss and turn for all eternity.
     Just please make sure to throw about 5 more pillows in there for me to wedge with before the dirt starts flying. Ugh, on my back. I mean what am I supposed to do with my hands. It makes me feel like Ricky Bobby.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZtiDJqVYwk

     Alas, nothing seemed to work. The only way I found I could get any sleep at all is to wedge pillows all around my body like I was chocking the wheels of a semi. But this only works for awhile.

     Maybe I should just try curling up in a lampshade like our cat Sugar. Boy, she sure looks comfy.

Well, off to try to find the world's biggest lampshade.

Aaaaaaah. Sleep tight. Don't let the lampshade bugs bite!

A Seal Did What To You?

Do you remember in grade school when we would take the calculator, type 55378008 and then turn it upside down to reveal . . .

I'm not sure why we made it say "BOOBLESS" instead of just "BOOBS.” I guess because it made a longer word or because it was grade school and everyone was built like a tongue depressor. We could have kept it accurately going in junior high and typed 58008717 to make . . .

“LILBOOBS” or 58008918 in high school for . . .

“BIGBOOBS.” This was all just a prelude to something I ran across the other day. If you type "a seal pushed me yesterday" (which is a common occurrence here in America) into the English to French Google translator and hit the speaker on the French side, you get a nice surprise. Just send grandma out of the room first. This is just a screen shot, you must go to the link to do it.

https://www.google.com/search?q=english+to+french&sca_esv=ea1d5f3fa4ef2f46&ei=cNrfaOuNA7yoptQP4_vYmAs&ved=0ahUKEwjrheHWm4iQAxU8lIkEHeM9FrMQ4dUDCBA&uact=5&oq=english+to+french&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiEWVuZ2xpc2ggdG8gZnJlbmNoMgsQABiABBixAxiDATIFEAAYgAQyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBBAAGAMyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBRAAGIAESIs_UJcMWME9cAd4AZABAJgBc6ABjAyqAQQxOS4yuAEDyAEA-AEBmAIcoAKQDqgCFMICChAAGLADGNYEGEfCAg0QABiABBiwAxhDGIoFwgIKEAAYgAQYQxiKBcICERAuGIAEGLEDGNEDGIMBGMcBwgIIEAAYgAQYsQPCAgsQLhiABBjRAxjHAcICCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFwgIIEC4YgAQYsQPCAg4QLhiABBixAxiDARiKBcICDRAAGIAEGLEDGEMYigXCAhMQABiABBhDGLQCGIoFGOoC2AEBwgIQEAAYAxi0AhjqAhiPAdgBAsICCxAuGIAEGLEDGIMBwgIQEAAYgAQYsQMYQxiDARiKBcICCxAuGIAEGMcBGK8BmAMG8QUjcB-YuRdNmYgGAZAGCroGBAgBGAe6BgYIAhABGAqSBwQyNi4yoAfImgGyBwQxOS4yuAfZDcIHBzItMTIuMTbIB9wB&sclient=gws-wiz-serp

So I realized it's taken me 56 years to reach maturity level "Cartman."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygae1GBImbc

I'm not hallucinating. Just ask the 3 inch, talking giraffe in my pocket.

     Well, I'm back. Doesn't everyone take 6 years between creative endeavors? We'll just blame Covid because why not? This has been quite the year. I have had rotator cuff/bicep surgery on both shoulders. Needless to say, if you are on this . . . 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/jm5QThPhceI

don't dive out of it head first (left shoulder). Yes, there was alcohol involved. Or, if you fall down the stairs, don't catch your full body weight with one arm (right shoulder, no alcohol).
     Due to these injuries, I have been sleeping on the couch in our sunroom and eating a steady diet of Percocet for the better part of the year. This has lead to a few hallucinations even though I was sometimes slow to admit that they were such.
     After my 2nd surgery, we went on a little getaway to St. Louis to see the Goo Goo Dolls and stay in a hotel. I was impressed because unlike me, Johnny could play more than 10 seconds of a song. 

   I woke up in the night, couldn't get comfortable and moved to a chair. I surfed on the iPad for a bit before nodding off. When I woke up, I lit up the screen and there was a pink dragonfly on the screen. 

     Then like in Fat Albert when they came to life, it flew out of the screen, hovered in front of my face for a few seconds and then fluttered up around the top of the curtains. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCEUO3sbNME

     Since a dragonfly had landed on their microphone at the concert the night before, I reasoned that maybe there was an epidemic. It took me 5 days to finally admit to Andi that this might not have really happened. The next hallucination occurred when I was trying to sleep in the sunroom. I was lying on the couch staring at the stained knotty pine ceiling.

        All of the sudden, a tiny black army dropped down from the 1st V-shaped knot, made a high-pitched chatter sound and scurried to the 2nd V-shaped knot before sucking back up into the ceiling while never losing the V shape. So kids, that's what knots are made of because ya' know . . . science. Okay, I was a little quicker to admit that that one might have been a hallucination. They looked like this.

       However, the most amazing one happened a couple weeks ago. As I said, I'm sleeping in the sunroom. So every time I have to pee, I have to walk through the living room. Once everyone went to bed, the lights were all off except for the TV playing music for the puppy.
     The first time I went, I was taken aback by a marble bust of an old, bald, bearded Greek man gawking at me. After 4 more potty breaks (I may have a problem) and 4 more icy stares, I decided to snap a picture to check the next day to see if it was a hallucination or not. I was ready to admit it now at this point.
     The next day rolled around and I had completely forgotten that happened. That evening, we were sitting by the fire bowl and Andi thought her condensation ring from her High Noon looked like a smiley face.

AHA! That sparked my memory. Checked my phone and well . . . 

                                 

     

Not crazy after all (well at least about this). Stop looking at me Socrates!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-fCvN7HDEw

     Now if it had started singing like on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland, that would have been a little harder to explain away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ba400cXZjGQ

I guess I should have just turned the lights on. Oh well.

Okay, post over. See you in 2031!

Only in Clinton, IL

Spotted on a dirt lot in Clinton.  

REDNECK FIRE HYDRANT!