Sleep has always eluded me. In fact, I'm writing this blog post right now when I should be sleeping. I am at the age and frailness where different parts of my body fall asleep at different times throughout the day but can hardly ever all come together at once to fall asleep for the greater whole. I have a hard time sleeping under the best conditions.
It used to just take a few things to give me a good night's sleep.
1. A pillow under my head.
2. A pillow over my head.
3. A blanket below my head.
4. A fan to blow on my head.
5. A cup of water to pour into my head.
6. A ball peen hammer to the head.
We had to eliminate that last one as I was starting to mutter gibberish and my head was beginning to resemble a golf ball.
"I swam in turkey Jello on Jupiter Thurwednesday. Butthole!"
Andi and Mikah could curl up and sleep in the bay of a jet engine.
Just remember to wake them up so they don't miss curling up in the engine bay of the connecting flight.
Since my shoulder surgeries, it has made sleep harder than ever. For 56 years, I have slept on my belly with one arm over my head and the other at my side like the way the loyal followers of a past historical figure with a silly mustache used to salute him.
Heil let you figure out who I'm really talking about. Anyway, sleeping like that is impossible for me now at this time and (God forbid) maybe ever. So I have had to try to sleep on my belly with both arms at my side. This makes me feel like Molly Shannon in Seinfeld where she didn't swing her arms when she walked and Elaine said it looked like she was carrying invisible suitcases.
So then I tried sleeping in various cheerleader poses with no luck.
May as well throw the flag now because I'm moving around before, during and after the play. The only one that would have worked was "ready for play" but we know that one's out.
So then I was forced to try the worst one yet, on my back. Dammit, I was saving that one for the 'ol coffin, at least for the presentin' part then I was going to roll over when I got in the ground. I'm just assuming you "long living" bastards don't want to have to blubber how great I was to the back of my head before I toss and turn for all eternity.
Just please make sure to throw about 5 more pillows in there for me to wedge with before the dirt starts flying. Ugh, on my back. I mean what am I supposed to do with my hands. It makes me feel like Ricky Bobby.
Maybe I should just try curling up in a lampshade like our cat Sugar. Boy, she sure looks comfy.
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