Halloween this year was fun. Except for the fact that we never made it back to the pumpkin patch to buy pumpkins so we ended up having to carve Andi's tiny photo prop pumpkins. I started looking a week and a half before Halloween and there wasn't a decent sized pumpkin left in this town, you pumpkin hogging bastards. So here's the result of the our carvings.
Mikah's
Lukah's
Cal's
The night before Halloween, we went to a costume party and I had made a costume that made my head look like it was sitting on a platter on a table. I mounted a candy bowl next to it with a false bottom so I could stick my hand through and grab any candy takers. Here it is without me in it so you can kind of see what I did.
After I got the first few kids, they all knew something was up. My only hope was for when new people would arrive. We did not get the best reaction of the night on video but here is Kim and Bayleigh Holmes' reactions. Bayleigh said that I scared the crap out of her.
Thank God Halloween was a couple of days after this party so we had time to sober up. I'm not sure I could have done the full 3 hours of Trick or Treating on Sunday. This is the first year we went out the whole time and the candy haul reflected that. Cal ended up with a Save-A-Lot bag stuffed full clear to the top.
Of course I didn't snap the candy bag picture immediately, so now it is half gone.
We really liked it until the time that Andi and I ate there for lunch one day with only one child in tow. We all got the water and the single bowl trip with one of them being a student bowl. We about shit when we were handed a bill for over $30. . . . . for lunch . . . . with a child . . . . drinking water. . . . .for one bowl of food each. I hadn't looked at a menu in awhile but those prices seem a tad crazy to me.
$12.99 for one bowl of food at Supper. WOW. When they came by to ask me if I was going for a 2nd bowl, I was fighting not to say "Hold on. Let me make some calls to the bank to see if I can move some funds around first or get some financing." We pretty much decided right then that they had priced themselves out of us eating there anymore.
We decided that we could just make it at home with a little chopping for MUCH cheaper. So, believe it or not, IGA actually has a wonderful assortment of sauces. We bought a bunch of them and whipped up many a bowl that tastes exactly the same as anything I have ever gotten at FlatTop.
The final kicker with us for FlatTop was when we went there one day and they were extremely busy. There must have been a billionaire's convention in town or something. Even though I hate this, we let them seat us at the bar. Well, normally bartender's are charismatic and personable to the customers. This one made us feel like we were sitting between Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber.
She proceeded to completely interrupt our conversation to launch into the worst attempt at stand-up comedy I have ever heard. I actually caught myself longing for the comic stylings of Dave Coulier at one point.
Okay, maybe not. Anyways, her routine went like this (which she actually tried to deliver like a stand-up comic with hand gestures and everything). "So, I got up this morning and my car is a piece of crap. It hadn't been starting lately, like cars will do. I was running kind of late and was in a real hurry. Now I am not a real spiritual person but when I got in my car, I said 'God, please let my car start today'. So, I put my key in the ignition, turned it and it started."
Then, she looked at us for some sort of laughter or reassurance that she hadn't just wasted the last 2 minutes of our lives. We might have given her this (not laughter) but she had rudely barged right into our conversation so she got nothing. In fact, Andi and I just kind of looked at her like "surely you forgot the punchline and will get back to us". I wanted to do this but didn't.
Then without a word, we looked back at each other and continued our conversation. The whole thing reminded me of a story one of my roommates in college told us about when he was in high school (he had a way of telling stories with no point that actually made it kind of funny, because then we would give him so much shit). He said, "a bunch of us were going to the football game so we piled in the back of my friend's pickup truck. A girl jumped in on my leg so I said 'Get off my leg bitch'."
My other roommate and I looked at each other waiting for more to the story like that a meteor landed in the bed of the truck killing everyone involved. That ending never came. That was the end of the story.
Because I did not know her, I didn't feel comfortable giving this FlatTop bartender shit about her story but I should have just thrown one back at her. I could have shown her how a story is supposed to be at the very least, interesting.
"Nice story bartender. Now I got one for you. No, screw that. MY TURN! You can mix that damn drink later, sit your ass down. So, I woke up this morning in a puddle of urine with a carrot sticking out of my crack. My ass was half shaved and the dog was walking around with a limp. The blender was running with some sort of brownish corn mixture in it and the refrigerator was unplugged and on the porch roof. Then all of the sudden, my grandma burst through the door and yelled 'Thanks for last night, stud!' So, I loaded the limping dog into the car to go to the vet, turned the key in the ignition, and guess what. . . . it started." You know, if I had actually done that, I just might have been asked to not come back to FlatTop anyway.
We got a new washing machine. We didn't want to get a new washing machine but we had to due to my plumbing skills falling somewhere between "shitty" and "Goddammit, would you just call someone". On a side note, I put my electrician skills slightly better from mediocre to "I'm telling you I'm most likely not gonna burn the Goddamn house down."
Anyway, the whole thing started as a simple procedure that the fellas at work assured me I could do myself. I just needed to change the shower stems in our master bath as they had been stripped since before we moved in 8 years ago. They were at the point where I was ready to just clamp some vice grips on them to use for handles. For you folks that don't know what vice grips are, it would look like this.
Jeff Foxworthy, if you're reading, I want credit for that if you use this idea for a "you might be a redneck joke." Well, this simple procedure started off with a snag. I couldn't get one of the old ones out. After a call to one of the work buds that talked me into this, he was kind enough to help me and bring the tools that I did not have but needed (so much for me thinking I have every tool on the planet. Guess I better get shopping) and we finally got it out. He left.
So what should have been just a simple "screw the new ones in, get naked, and shower" turned into 3 weeks of plumber visits, all new plumbing to the shower, new shower head (getting new plumbing, why not?) and a crispy washing machine. What happened was when I screwed the new ones in, they would not seat deep enough for some reason. So even with the shower completely off, there still was a steady run of water. I am not a complete idiot though as the plumber had no luck with it either.
Eventually, it all was fixed and we finally got to shower with the new shower head. We soon discovered that our water pressure went from being shot with a fire hose to being spritzed with a spray bottle. I opted to change the shower head. Oops, better call the plumber first and tell him to clear next month's calendar.
In fact, with all of our torquing on everything previously, we had secured a leak as well. Now this leak happened to fall directly into the electronics of the washing machine. That is just the kind of luck I possess. I also learned that I am not an appliance repairman but I kind of wish I was. I could go into people's basements and charge them 50 bucks to shine a flashlight on something, spout a made up technical term and then say "Yeah, it's broke. I wouldn't fix it."
So, we headed to Lowe's and picked out our new underwear fart smell remover washer. It was delivered today and the delivery guys were nice enough to throw in a free carpet staining as I was met with this once they left.
Well, at least we have near white carpet so it shows up really well. In all fairness, maybe I checked a box somewhere when we bought it.
I especially like how these guys left with no mention of this to me. There is no way in Hell that they didn't notice this. Now maybe they were thinking "Hey, he just got a new washing machine. He can roll up the carpet and cram it in there". As evenly spaced as the spots are, I am sure that there was oil on the wheel of the dolly. Maybe, after the first spot, they could have stopped and wiped the wheel. That's just me. They knew it on Seinfeld. It's just common courtesy to wipe your wheels.
So, I got to spend the last 20 minutes of freedom before I had to be at work scrubbing the Hell out of the carpet with Windex (it cleans everything). Then I got to go over it all again today and think I may have finally gotten it all up. When scrubbing it today with actual carpet cleaner, I noticed some interesting rhetoric on the carpet cleaner label.
Do you see it? It says "FOAM CARPET CLEANER" and then down below "SAFE FOR CARPETS". Well, no shit. I was gonna wash my f**kin' asshole with it but if you're telling me that my carpet cleaner is safe for carpets then I might just try that instead. I guess I'll just have to find something else for my asshole. AHA, Axe Body Spray! I think the next time I am at Walmart, I am going to ask an associate to point me in the direction of the unsafe for carpets carpet cleaner.
Here we go again. More insult letters. I suggest you all doing this with your families to bring yourselves closer. After all, insultery is the sincerest form of flattery.
By the way, I have an update on that piece of paper that was hanging on my cubicle wall (see my August blog "If a Tree Fell In My Office, Would Anyone Notice?"). I came in yesterday and the paper was gone. I do not know if it fell off and just got thrown away or if someone actually saw it, read it, decided that I was the wittiest man alive, and threw it away in jealousy. I am guessing the latter. So, I guess my prizes will just go unclaimed and I am stuck with my dried up Liquid Paper, antique Carmex, and soiled antiseptic towelette. Maybe I'll just hang onto them and try it again in another 10 years.
KEYBOARD TIP! - Hold the control key down and hit the + (plus) sign to zoom in or control key and - (minus) sign to zoom out. Finally, hold the control key down and hit 0 (zero) to go back to the original page size. If you have a MAC, just get your butler to read the damn thing to you.
This was inspired by sis putting her hate mail to me in the wrong mailbox. My reply had flaps to raise to reveal answers underneath so I have included the flaps and then the answers underneath for a full IMAX experience (kinda).
Last Summer, we took the kids to Clinton Beach for the first time. Callahan didn't know that we even had a beach, yet enough one as nice as this one. He described it as almost feeling like he was on vacation as we had been to several beaches for our last few vacations.
It used to be filled with lots of drinking and rowdiness. I don't mean that in a "Holier than thou" way because to be honest, many times I was right there in the middle of the drinking and rowdiness. It kinda' looked like this.
I think we had less inflatable dolls and DJ's, though, and more redknecks with $5 grills and Old Milwaukee. When I was in high school, the beach was a perfect place to check out and occasionally even meet girls from other towns. One time, I was out there in the water with a girlfriend and she had her back to the lake. Unfortunately for her, she couldn't see the turd tugboat floating up behind her.
A better man would have stayed and escorted his woman from that disgusting scene but too bad for her, she was dating me (for the time being anyway). I ran away like Spaulding from Caddyshack.
Now, the Beach is all cleaned up and very family friendly. To get Callahan to go in the water, we had to tell him a little, white lie. We told him that the buoys floating out there not only marked the swimming boundaries, but had a net attached to them to keep fish from getting into the beach area water. Our lie worked great until this Summer when we were there and he swam out to the buoys with me. The first thing he said was, "Hey, there is no net here." I had to come clean. He was okay with it then as we did not encounter Jaws or even Nemo on our swim out and back.
Then I had a funny Callahan moment like at the State Fair when he paused before walking through one of those cooling off misting stations with his bottled water and said, "Daddy, is it okay if my water gets wet?" Well, at the beach, he asked me where he should go pee. We were way down the beach from the bathroom, so I told him to just move over away from me a ways and go.
He looked at me like I was crazy. I explained to him that fish pee and poop in it all the time and that we swim in it so no one would know. So, he quietly slipped about 15 feet from me and next thing I knew, I heard VERY loudly "AAAAAHHHH!" Then, I turned to see him with his hands behind his head in the most obvious urination pose I've ever seen. Then as he wrapped up the proceedings, he yelled to everyone within earshot. . .
So much for being discreet. I guess I forgot to explain that fish don't announce it, they just go. I also may have forgotten to explain that this is just okay to PEE for us even though fish do both. So if you happen to be out there with your girlfriend, keep her back to the water and be ready to run, just in case. Oh my God, I just opened myself up to a thousand "Justin Case" name jokes in the comments, didn't I?
So if you have been following my blog, then you know that I have not washed my Jeep in awhile. I didn't realize quite how long, though, until I drove by the car wash today. Evidently in the years since my auto's last bath, the car wash has morphed into a trendy carwash/hookah bar. Did it get legalized and I just didn't hear about it? Or is it just so "in your face" to the cops that their eyeballs won't register it? Because this isn't the most discreet secret offer I've ever seen.
It seems like the weed tobacco would get too wet to keep lit. And Jesus H. Christ, 4 tokes for $20! And that's supposed to be some kind of sale?! Do they think the drug addicts are made of money? Could they get a coupon or a sample tray there slick? How's a dead head supposed to get his freak on at those prices? There's only so much organs and semen they can sell.
Man, they are gonna have to resort to stealing TOKENS from a carwash just to pay for it. Wait. . . . . Oh. . . . . Never mind. Maybe the dope smokers should go legit anyways and get regular jobs like an accountant or truck driver. Let's just check the want-ads for them since they are probably too sleepy. Hmm. Hey, here's one.
It seems like I have an inordinate amount of posts about bodily functions. Maybe that's because I have an inordinate amount of bodily functions. It always amuses me when people say they have diarrhea and that they went "5 times" that day. When I go 5 times in a day, I call it something else. . . Tuesday. I've heard people say "wow, I went 3 times today". You know what 3 times in a day is to me. . . constipation. okay, you get the idea.
When my daughter Lukah was little, we went to a parent teacher conference at Washington School. Naturally, we had sat down for approximately 2 minutes and I had to make a poo (I was gonna say "shit" but I am talking about a grade school, dammit). So, I excused myself and went to the little boys room. Now if anyone has ever shit there, the toilets are up on these platforms with only little half walls. In other words, your genitalia is covered but your head is displayed like cattle in a pen leaving you open for mockery and ridicule.
In fact, I remember when I was a child, Marketplace Mall in Champaign had a similar design in it's bathroom. My dad went in to do his business and my brother and I started making "Moo" sounds very loudly as our little joke. My dad did not think this was so funny and was giving us the "you better knock it off right now, jackasses" stink eye. We couldn't even play it off like it was someone else because his head was sticking up so he could see us. Don't worry, we got better at being stupid as we got older. So anyway, I was alone when I proceeded to grunt one out.
Just as I was thinking "well, this isn't as humiliating as I thought," in walks a mild acquaintance at that time. Now, guy urinal etiquette says "No eye contact, no looking down (especially away from your own urinal), and under no circumstances speak." I was assuming similar rules apply to #2 but maybe even more stringent.
However, this friend looked right at my disembodied head and said "How's it going?" I was wanting to say, "Actually I'm having some trouble. Could you come over here and push on my tummy?" But what I actually said was "Fine" because I just wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible to put this awkward moment behind me. At least I could sit on the toilet perpendicular as God intended.
Today, we took Lukah to get her cast off and naturally within 5 minutes of being in the examination room with her, I had to go burn a mule. So, I find the bathroom which is clear out of the office and down the hall mind you (convenient). I go to sit down and the damn toilet roll holder is mounted too close to the toilet.
Wouldn't you think they would give her a test drive before they drill holes in the tile for the final mounting. Maybe, I spend so much time in the throne room that I'm the only one who thinks of this shit. Hell, it should be a government appointed position to give these a trial run before they are allowed to finish the installation. I can tell you one thing. I did not enjoy going sidesaddle. Goddammit, I'm not Annie F**kin' Oakley.
It did not offer me the leverage and comfort that I am accustomed to, but I got by and even made it back to the room in time to see Lukah get her cast off. Toilet stories. I got a million of 'em. Hmm. Let's see. Where do I have a lot of down time that I could get some of these jotted down? AHA. Laptop. . . bathroom, HERE I COME! We'll just end this with a list (these were all in college by the way). 5 guys + Lotsa beer = No shit paper.
5 Things I Have Wiped With That I Bet You Haven't:
1. Coffee filters
2. Paper bag
3. Corn stalk leaves
4. Notebook paper
5. My own underwear
By the way, that last one just got thrown away, not washed and re-worn. I guess if I was smart, I would have used my roommate's grungies.
