Won't Somebody Please EAT ME?

Let me introduce you to a recurring phenomena in my house.  Any time there is a jar of whole pickles, they are inhaled instantly.  It's more of like a religion to my kids.  

They like them about as much as this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWdojk12O6o

In fact, Andi came home a few years ago and exclaimed "These kids always smell like pickles"!  Now don't get me wrong, I love pickles.  I am even that weirdo that loves to drink pickle juice.  Hell, I wish they sold it in cans in pop machines (just don't tell my blood pressure doctor or my wife).  Perhaps I misspoke before when I said that they inhaled them.  They inhale them all but the LAST one.  Then this is the view in the refrigerator until I finally get sick of looking at it and put the poor thing out of it's misery.

I really do wonder how long that pickle would stay in there if I just let it go.  Many times, there will be a 2nd jar of pickles opened while that poor little orphan pickle sits alone nearby in it's glass enclosure sadly watching all of the hubbub going on at the new jar.

Now, I have even noticed it carrying over to other types of food in the kitchen.  The high schooler made cake balls the other day (I'm assuming it's the pastry world's answer to mountain oysters).  After a few days, I noticed one lonely ball sitting there for 4 days.  I finally took pity on it and threw it away.  Here's the kicker.  When I threw it away, it had a bite out of it.  So someone only ate part of it and then couldn't bring themselves to finish it OR throw it away.  I then went to grab some Pringles. I dumped the can into my hand and was met with this.

1 Goddamn Pringle.  Now I am not a petite man.  A half of a cake ball and one Pringle is just enough food to piss me off.  Perhaps I just haven't looked around enough, though. Maybe there is at least a piece of lunch meat and a slice of bread so I can make myself half a sandwich.  Then I can get the jug out of the fridge and wash it all down with a tall, cool glass of . . . 

3 GODDAMN DROPS OF MILK!

Insult Letters #7

I hope you guys aren't getting tired of these.  I will eventually run out due to my sister's lackadaisical attitude towards insulting her younger, smarter, better-looking sibling. These just make an easy, hung-over post for me (thus usually occurring on Sundays). Enjoy.

Rebuttal.

Hey, There's Something Yellow On Your Shoulder

A while ago, we had a family get together at our house with Andi, the kids, my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews.  After it was over, there were a few stragglers that stayed behind.  We were all sitting in my living room talking and somehow the subject of earwax came up.  I guess the topic of asshole lint had expired itself or something.  Anyways, I happened to mention that sometimes a little ball of wax will just fall out of my ear.  Nothing like this mind you.

If I was a stand-up comedian, this is the point you would have heard crickets chirping. They all looked at me like I had just told them that I liked to have relations with the dog when everyone else goes to bed.  I swear they were about to pack my bags and ship me off to live with the other freaks in our own colony at Ear Wax Island.  Now I'm not talking enough wax to mold a candle.  Besides, that doesn't work anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/1_K1GVuEUjU

Well, after the disgusted stares died down, I was finally able to change the subject.  The evening was saved and I wasn't driven out of town by angry mobs with torches.  Now for the kicker.  Throughout the rest of the evening then, EVERY single person in that room (and you know who you are) pulled me aside at some point to tell me that "yes, the earwax thing has happened to them, too".  Well ain't that the shits.  That makes me wonder if Benedict Arnold wasn't just shunned from an earwax admission instead of that whole "traitor" thing.  

Or maybe the Bible doesn't quite have that whole "Judas" thing right either.

I was just amazed that no one had my back.  I suppose in other circumstances, they would whisper to me in my hospital bed.  "I had your back in that fight, buddy, as I was ducking behind that car.  If he had tossed your torso in that direction, I woulda pulled you to safety."  I learned my lesson, though.  Forget religion and politics, evidently earwax is the taboo topic.  So, be warned.  If the situation ever comes up, there is no good way to approach the subject.  No matter how eloquently you attempt to discuss earwax, that whole topic is just like polishing a turd.  But wait, you CAN do that.

                            

                                   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJ9fy1qSFI

No Shit?

As we all know, EVERYTHING is made in China.  I am convinced that their whole country is just one big factory that stretches from border to border. 

They make everything from my American flag to the gift I am about to tell you about. You see, Andi's birthday was last week and she just wanted money for an Iphone.  I hate only giving money, so I got her a little something to unwrap (even though I don't get to see her unwrap it because of my shift).  It really was nothing but just a mug warmer from the clearance rack at Wal-Mart.  It is like a little hot plate to keep your coffee warm in case you don't drink it as fast as a college kid with a beer bong like I do.  This is the side view.  See how thin it is.

Now to get to the point.  Look at this really closely and see if you can find the "Duh".

"Cup not included".  Wow, no shit.  Because I was really wanting to see the coffee cup that would fit in there.  Those Chinese must drink tiny, flat coffees.

Or maybe they could have put one of those collapsible cups in there, but I don't think they can hold hot beverages.  The warmer would just melt the plastic, anyway.

It also says "For household use only".  I may just get my extension cord and a cup of coffee and head out to the yard to warm it.  That'll show 'em.  It's got international incident written all over it.

And new from Axe Body Spray. . .

     Don't you waste enough of your life on hygiene with all of the "showers" and "teeth brushing"?  You'll now be able to give even wiping your butt a half-assed attempt as our new sprays are designed to mask almost any unpleasant odor coming from any disgusting area of the body.   So get your new. . . 

                            

AXE SPECIFICS ®

Haven't we all been in this situation?

     We just innocently bend over at the grocery store for some Cinnamon Toast Crunch at the exact same time a little person walks by and they get a whiff of what toilet paper and a shower left behind.  Isn't it time we think of the little people for a change and what is at their nasal height?  Our B.O. professionals have been working out extra hard to put our professional smellers to the test.

     Due to these extraordinary efforts, we came up with Axe Specifics®.  I mean how can a spray chemically mixed to fight armpit odor be expected to fight the same battles with say-an ass?  It's simple.  It can't.  If any of you have ever smelled an armpit and then an asshole right afterwards (Don't judge me.  College was an experimental time, okay), you will find out that the asshole smells much worse and should have a different formula for cover up spray.  

     So stop worrying about over-wiping and bend over in front of little people with confidence.  Watch your toilet paper bills reduce drastically as you no longer have to worry about getting every last kernel of corn or peanut rind.  

     But, we didn't stop there.  Recently, someone was talking to me and as they spoke, they dug their finger into their belly button, pulled it out, and smelled it without even breaking speech.  Their navel aroma insecurity sent us back to the drawing board to come up with a belly button scent.  Now, the next time you are on a date and things are starting to get steamy, you can confidently tell her to smell your belly button thus sealing the deal to a night of passion.

     So run, don't walk to your local drugstore and get your Axe Specifics® body spray today.  Look for little people first if it's on the bottom shelf, though, unless you have already used Axe Specifics Asshole®.  Coming soon. . . Axe Specifics Feet® and Axe Specifics Taint®.  So go ahead, run that marathon.  Then come home and give your feet and taint a spritz and then you and that area under your balls are ready for a night on the town.

If I Had Written "Titanic"

I'M EATING!

     We've all been to that point in a relationship where you finally will fart or burp in front of the other person.  One might even get even with a spouse by performing the "Dutch Oven" where a fart is deployed under a blanket and then the blanket is forcefully held over the other spouses head allowing them a full nasal experience.  

     I'm not sure why passing gas seems like such a secret, because we all do it.  It's like being embarrassed by our poop stinking.  I've followed after many a person in the bathroom in my 42 years and I have yet to smell a good one.  So what is there to be embarrassed about?  

     Just with farts and burps, some of us may not have the intensity or frequency of others.  I for instance belch like a 6 year old sunflower girl drinking a non-carbonated beverage while others in the house (who shall remain nameless) loosen shingles on the roof when they let fly.  Similar to. . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP_gV2cWntg 

or bigger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4hefHFav_A

or the the biggest

click here-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w9DUTcAI0o

     Not to seem like a total little girl, I can flap one out the back end with the best of  'em.  Not quite as good as. . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R84dKkPAVpg

     but better than this. . . 

                                 

                                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=346tqdP5UJ8

     Someone once told my wife that they made a rule in their marriage to leave the room when the urge came upon them to fog out of either end.  This seemed like a good plan so we adopted it as our own.  For awhile, everyone obliged and the main living areas of the house were a pleasant sounding and smelling place to be.  

     As time wore on, "exceptions" started becoming commonplace.  For instance, if we were in a car, then an individual could let fly.  We don't need any internal fart tummy aches to dampen a vacation.  Then the excuses got weaker and weaker. If a person is sneezing, they can't be held accountable for whatever shoots from any orifice of the body.  

     Finally, it is to the point where "I'm already sitting down" is an exemption.  The one rule that overrides all exemptions however is if someone is eating.  So if you do not want to hear any of these noises while you are eating, you need to broadcast VERY LOUDLY ahead of time that you are about to eat.

     This lead to all new arguments, however, like if sucking on an ice cube or drinking a beverage really counts as eating for instance.  Someone forgot to tell the dog the rule all along.  Somehow just because he only understands the word "Treat", he got out of the whole thing.  And he is the worst habitual offender of all of us.  He's almost as bad as (You HAVE to watch this one) . . . .

                            

                           http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xFaJUZRkQM

     OMG!  Forget the dutch oven.  Now that all bets are off, the next time Andi pisses me off, she just may get a "Cup o cheese", as long as she's not eating of course.