You all probably heard that one of the Mega Millions winners was from Illinois. Well, I wasn't sure if I should announce it but what the Hell, you all would probably figure it out anyway because there would be signs. It was me. Here is my ticket.
Here is the winning numbers in case any of you need to double check your tickets. But don't look too closely, I don't want to share the $640,000,000.
I really don't want to share it because I kind of already spent a chunk of it with credit. And now for the signs. For starters, I decided to buy this new humble abode. If you come visit, be sure to buzz in at the gate with 4 forms of I.D and a DNA swab.
If any of you have seen my old phone and how beat up it is from being in my pocket with my car keys all the time, then you will understand the practicality of me buying this gold and diamond encrusted cell phone.
With the kind of bucks I possess now, you rubes won't be seeing me at Hardee's anymore. I will be in the corner booth at Tavern on the Green with pinky and nose in the air.
And why should I hog all the wealth for myself? Of course I am sharing with the less fortunate. And who is less fortunate than someone who has to poop in the yard? Vegas's new collar has more ice on it than the Queen's crown.
As long as I am living and eating good, I better look good. So, I purchased the world's most expensive hat. I guess I should call it my "lid" to maintain my street cred and prove that I am still just Corey from the block. Evidently this hat came with some free cosmetic surgery. My moobs have never looked so good.
Ah, the heck with it. I guess with that much money, I can just buy new friends. Therefore, I went and purchased season tickets to the Knicks in the "Bieber and Grandpa" section.
All of these mega rich celebs have to show off their exotic pets, so to keep up with the Joneses (or Kardashians, or Hiltons, or etc.), I bought an ocelot. I just hope it doesn't decide to eat Vegas and especially not Vegas's new collar.
I still have to stay true to my roots, though. So for my blog followers, you will be happy to know that I blew some major coin on a solid gold outhouse and shitter. Damn, that precious metal seat is going to be cold in the winter, though. See, how I suffer to not let the wealth go to my head.
My last purchase for now was some new loafers for my feet. I decided to go the unpretentious route, so I just picked up a rather modest pair of solid gold Nikes. Another 2 or 3 months of leg lifts on the BowFlex and I think my muscles will be strong enough to actually walk in them.
Rest assured, I'm still just "Corey". So don't LOOK DOWN on me for buying my huge new . . .
Abode, that flashy, bejeweled cell
Phone, eating in only the fanciest
Restaurants, a dog collar covered in
Ice, my subtle new
Lid, hanging with my new famous
Friends, getting Vegas an exotic
Ocelot to play with, an exotic
Outhouse for me to play with, and a pair of
Loafers the would make M.J. jealous.
