And You Thought My Jeep Was Bad

     Everyone brings something to a marriage right off the bat.  Let me rephrase that. Everyone brings something old and beat up to a marriage right off the bat.  My wife brought an alarm clock and me, well, I brought me.  Now, this clock didn't look quite this bad 14+ years ago but pretty close.

     I finally had to retire it a few months ago.  The wife still uses it.  We used to share it because it has dual alarms.  She sets it once and is done for the week so it doesn't bother her.  I used to reset it every 10 minutes to sneak a nap whenever I could but half the time, it took me so long to set the clock, the nap was over once I got the clock set.  

     Eventually, I was spending minutes just trying to get the set button to work.  It had been getting progressively worse for years and was now at the point where I had to try differing degrees of pressure and angles to get the numbers to start moving.  And God forbid you let off accidentally, then you had to start all over.  I had had enough and went to Wal-Mart and got this very nice looking clock.

     It works very well but my only complaint is that even on dim, you could read a book by the light of the numbers. If you lined a runway with these on dim, 747s could land in a snowstorm at midnight.  I'm used to it now though.  And someday, I hope to get Andi to part with the other clock.  When she does, I will try to sell it on our notice board at work as this is evidently a good forum to sell piles of shit that used to be something other than piles of shit.  See.

     For Sale-Box of shit that used to be piece of shit.  Find more shit and with a little work, it can be a piece of shit again someday. $400.  Hmm.  How can I spin our old clock/radio?. . . . . .

     For Sale-Feeling nostalgic?  Remember when Seger crooned Night Moves and you had to squint at tiny numbers on a dial to find it on the radio.  Wouldn't you love to relive those happy, carefree times?  You say "melted dent in speaker," I say "cup holder."  You say "radio needle cover" off, I say "manual access window."  No, it doesn't have a flux capacitor but you will feel like you are back in 1982 with this beauty.  $.75.  Will consider trade for 2 pack (I want some bargaining room) of Big Red gum OBO.

I Bet She's Really Good At Hitchhiking, Though

Remember the Seinfeld where Jerry calls his girlfriend and she thinks it's someone else and mentions the tractor story?  So, then he tries to figure out the rest of the show what the tractor story is.  George thinks she has toe thumbs.

                    

Too bad Megan Fox was only 12 at the time because she would have been a shoe in (you'll get that joke later) for the role of Jerry's girlfriend in this one.  Why would she have been perfect you ask?  Wait for it . . . 

That's right.  She has toe thumbs (groan at previous joke now).  No, not real toe thumbs but some kind of birth defect where her thumbs look like big toes.  I learned about this from reading another guy's funny blog and didn't believe it, so I googled it.

2,380,000 results.  Sorry guys did I ruin it for you?  Now in all fairness, I haven't seen any pictures of her big toes.  Maybe they look like thumbs and it all evens out.  Before you throw her on the scrap heap though, remember, the rest of her still looks like this.

Bet you'd still take a toe job, wouldn't ya single fellas?

Insult Letters #5

Onto the next in the series of the insult letters that my sister and I leave for each other in our mailboxes at work.   Now these are in no particular order as this has been going on for years.  I can barely remember my kids birthdays (okay, I cheat.  They are written on a card in my wallet), yet enough what order these were in.  I do know that most of the yellow or pink paper ones are the older ones.  Some are better than others but I am going to post them all just so they are documented for all humanity.   Annie's insult letter was based on the video I posted on youtube of the insane robin we had constantly attacking our sunroom window.  Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkSEmSy1VeI

KEYBOARD TIP! - Hold the control key down and hit the + (plus) sign to zoom in or control key and - (minus) sign to zoom out. Finally, hold the control key down and hit 0 (zero) to go back to the original page size. If you have a MAC, just get your butler to read the damn thing to you.

Unrelated hate mail to Annie.

Good God, Anything Else?!

     So I was watching t.v. the other day and this commercial came on.  Watch the 1st minute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njO3TDCO1ck

 

     Did ya happen to get the list of those side effects.  My God, is this a case of the cure being worse than the disease or what?   Hey pal, just take it.  It only could possibly cause negative side effects to your face, mouth, lips, gums, tongue, neck, breathing, skin, and eyesight.  You may also experience muscle pain, fever, suicidal thoughts, tiredness, dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, and swelling of the hands, legs, and feet.  Well hot diggity damn doc, is that all?  It doesn't say anything about my asshole closing up and reopening as a vagina so son of a bitch, give me 3 years worth.  Hope I don't commit suicide before I'm cured.  Well, I guess that would fix the problem then wouldn't it?  

     Not sure that's exactly what the FDA had in mind when they approved the drug though.  If I do happen to live, then I am going to be one ugly, bloated, sleepy, disoriented, depressed son of a bitch.  At least it doesn't cause homicidal tendencies.  Could you imagine?  Every working serial killer would find a way to get prescribed this.

JUDGE-"Mr. Scott, you brutally murdered 28 people and left a Lincoln Log sticking out of the pancreas of the last victim.  Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

SERIAL KILLER-"I was on Lyrica."

JUDGE-"Well, why didn't you say so?  Get the Hell out of here ya' old knucklehead."  (judge tousles serial killer's hair)

Serial killer starts to exit courtroom.

JUDGE-"Hey Scott, wait.  You almost forgot your Lincoln Log.  Oh yeah.  And try not to serial kill anymore."

     That Lyrica commercial is so much like that old Saturday Night Live commercial for Happy Fun Ball that it is almost hard to tell which one is the parody.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gzDC-2ZO8I&feature=related

And New From Levi's

Well endowed and proud?  Then head to Kohl's to get your new. . .

MIDDLE-LEG JEANS

You packin' and proud of it?  Why not?  I would be.  Uh, I mean, "am" (wink).  You will enjoy the ease and comfort of our newest offshoot of the straight leg jean.  There are no zippers and no buttons to mess with when nature comes a callin'.  Simply roll up the end and let it fly.  Don't forget the shake.  Our new jean's sizes cover all racial stereotypes from "It's not the size that matters" small clear up to "You think you're gonna put what where?" large.

Not confident enough for our jeans?  Need to enhance what the good Lord put in your pants?  Don't be so hard on (ha, I kill me) yourself.  Buy our new Middle-Leg Jeans Inserts® in whatever size your insecurities require.

And coming soon. . .Middle-Leg Baggies®. 

If you leave the girls gaggin', put on our baggies and your peter will be draggin'.  Available at all Kohl's and Medusa's Adult World outlets.

National Shitty Bank (Bad Customer Service #3)

     This was our first house together as man and wife.  If you can call it a house.  It was a rental.

     Yes, we were trailer folk, not trash.  Yes, there is a trailer in there amidst all of that foliage somewhere.  Could be an "ISpy", couldn't it?  It did not look like this when we lived there.  It was actually clean but very, very small.  How small was it?  We had to go outside to change our minds.  Ba dump bump bump.  Honestly, a twin bed frame did not fit in our bedroom.  We just had to put the mattress on concrete blocks.  Luckily, we only lived here for about 6 months and then moved on to bigger and better.

     This was a very nice house and fit us well.  We lived here for about 5 years but then got the itch for something a little bigger and a little less mouse friendly.  I'm not talking cute Disney talking mouses either but disgusting poop (he called da shit "poop") happy rodents.  So, I found us the perfect house and we bought it.  What an exciting time in a young family's life.  Not so exciting was making that new house payment.  Reluctantly, I mailed it off anyways.  It was quite a bit more than our first house but we had the money.

       A few weeks later, I skipped to the mailbox to retrieve the mail.  Okay, I didn't skip but doesn't the world need more skipping?  I thumbed through the mail on my way back to the house and was confused by one particular item.  There was my house payment that I had sent but was now returned with "loan not processed" written on the check.  I was confused so I talked to my loan officer from National City and he told me to just hold onto it and mail it with my next one.  He assured me that I was not being penalized.  

     So, it came time for my next house payment and I mailed off 2 of them on time.  Another couple weeks went by and guess what came back?  You guessed it.  It was both house payments with "loan not processed" written on it.  Now, I was losing patience.  How long was this going to go on, 6 months or more?  Then would I be handed a bill for $10,000.  I did not want to have to keep hanging onto this money, month after month.  I was pretty frustrated by this point and my loan officer was less than helpful. 

     National City had commercials all over the t.v. at that time bragging about how they were the number one growing bank in America.  I told my loan officer that all the bragging that their commercials do on their growth is maybe nothing to brag about if they can't handle the new business any better than this.  He actually had the nerve to smart off back by saying that maybe I should have taken my business to a smaller bank then.  

     Oh yeah, it's my fault that their bank keeps sending back my on-time house payment because they can't seem to get my loan processed in 3 MONTHS.  The last straw was when the phone rang one night after 3 months of battles with National Shitty (my wife came up with that one, thanks Andi) and it went like this.

National Shitty Rep-Yes, I am calling for National City about your delinquent account.

Me-Excuse me?

National Shitty Rep-Your house payment is over 60 days past due.

     My head did something like this.  I actually pictured more with the top of my head blowing off and my eyeballs popping clear out of my head but you get the idea.

     I literally turned into Steve Martin from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles in the funniest minute and a half in cinematic history.

Must use link below to see video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zneBZl5BLw

Me-WELL MAYBE IF YOUR F**KING BANK WOULD F**KING TAKE MY F**KING HOUSE PAYMENT AND QUIT SENDING IT F**KING BACK TO ME, IT WOULDN'T BE F**KING DELINQUENT.

National Shitty Rep-Um.

Me-Yeah, I have mailed my payment ON-TIME every month and you guys aren't processing it.  It keeps getting mailed back to me with the words "loan not processed" on it.

National Shitty Rep-Oh.

Me-Yeah, "oh".  So help me God if you mail my payment back to me again and I get another call from you F**Kers calling me delinquent.  This better not be destroying my credit rating.  F**KING HATE NATIONAL CITY!

     So after a few other cuss word laced pleasantries, I hung up with that poor sap who was just doing his job and turned my attention to the real asshole in this equation, my loan officer.  I promptly called him the next day and loudly shared with him the details of the phone call from the night before.  I demanded proof that this was not affecting my credit rating and an assurance that they were going to start keeping my house payments.  

     I was offered no apology, just indifference and more snide comments.  I did actually get a statement from them that showed this was not going on my credit rating and the next month, they actually KEPT all 4 months of my house payments.  Well, National Shitty Bank sold out to PNC Bank and I was quite relieved that I didn't have to deal with those incompetents until the phone rang one day. . . 

PNC Rep-Mr. Case?

Me-Yes.

PNC Rep-I am just calling because we have not received your mortgage payment yet for this month. 

Me-Is it even due yet?

PNC Rep-Well no, but it takes a week to process and we haven't received it.

Me-Well, then why are you calling?

PNC Rep-Because it takes a week to process.

Me-Well, it's already been mailed.  I don't know what to tell you.

PNC Rep-Is there anything we can do to help you to make this payment?

Me-IT'S BEEN MADE.  IT JUST MUST NOT BE THERE YET.

PNC Rep-Okay, but I need to get all of your information.

     Great, now I have a new incompetent bank to deal with.  I literally had to give them all of my information which they already have.  It was literally 20 minutes of my life gone for a payment that was out in la la land.  I let this go without too much anger until the next day. . .RING!!

PNC Rep-Mr. Case?

Me-Yes.

PNC Rep-I am just calling because we have not received your mortgage payment yet for this month. 

Me-You have got to be kidding me.  You guys just called yesterday.

PNC Rep-Is there anything we can do to help you to make this payment?

Me-It's made.  We mailed it Monday AS I SAID YESTERDAY, you just haven't received it yet.

PNC Rep-Okay I will mark it off as "in transit" but I'm going to have to get all of your information.

     So, I had to give all of my information AGAIN.  I truly think they make you go through this 10 minutes of regurgitating all of this information to get you to mail in your payment early to avoid having to go through this EVERY day on a payment that wasn't even late yet.  Now, I have to get Andi working on a derogatory moniker for PNC Bank.  Private Nuisance Caller Bank.  To me,  it's Pay Now Corey Bank.  Anyone got any other ideas? 

I Love The 80's

If you are near my age, then you probably remember the 80's with great affection.  Who can forget how flamboyant we all were?  Remember the fashions?

And the hair?

Everything just seemed so live and flashy then.  I especially loved the theatrics of the musicians back then.  Who could forget "Eddie", the 12 foot Iron Maiden mascot.

Or how about the gigantic "Rosie" balloon from AC/DC's "Whole Lotta Rosie".

I always wondered what happened to these enormous icons once the concert lights fade and the band is done with them.  Does Bruce Dickinson take Eddie home and throw him in the back yard?  Are the Worksop, England Bobbies (that's police to you yanks) sick of getting calls from neighbors saying, "You have to do something about those damn Dickinson's and that giant eyesore!"

Does Angus Young take Rosie home to his flat in the Netherlands and drop her next to the house?

Perhaps he rents it out for kids to play on at parties.   Just try to get your son off of those giant inflatable boobs.  He should just fill her with helium, tie some ropes to her, and sneak her into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  AC/DC also had those huge "For Those About To Rock" cannons.

I REALLY could use those to wake up my daughter for school.  Anybody got Angus's number?