Insult Letters #3

Yes, it's a lazy posting day probably induced by too much alcohol the night before.  If I can put my Taco Bell down long enough and muster up 5 seconds of energy to drop in the letters, you will get to see the next round of insults.  Make sure that you read the names on all of my letters out loud as most of them are word plays (usually dirty).  So without further ado, here is the next installment of my sister Annie's and my inter-office "hate" mail to each other.

Scroll way down to see reply.

Well If It's Good Enough For Rover, Then It's Too Good For Me

     Here is something that has bugged me for awhile.  When my kids were babies, we would buy them the Johnson & Johnson's Baby Shampoo.  They stressed on their label that it had the "no tears" formula. Their commercials at that time made sure to point this out too.

     Sure enough like magic, the wizards at the Johnson & Johnson magic castle had done it.  This shit really worked.  I could wash my babies as haphazardly as I wanted to with the stuff and "woila", no screaming and no tears.  Hell, they even make this kind of shampoo for your pets.  See.

     Well, I love my dog to death as you can probably tell from my previous posts, but I am not really that worried about him bawling in the shower.  Maybe my lack of concern comes from him shitting his pants in the living room one too many times.  All I know is that when it's bath time for him, your main objective is just trying to keep him corralled in the tub, not handing him a tissue.  But I digress.  

     Now for the part I have a hard time with.  If the technology is there (and it is, I've seen it), then why the Hell doesn't all of our shampoo have the tearless formula?  Do we as adults like the feeling of 100 needles poking us in the eyeballs at the same time?  Are we expected to savor that kerosene poured directly in the eye socket feeling just because we don't shit our pants anymore?  I bet it's only a matter of time before we see a product that truly dares us to "be a man".

The 5 Funniest Movies You've Never Heard Of

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Oliver Goldsmith


That champion would be me.  I love cheesy, crazy movies that may push the boundaries of absurdity and taste.  These movies may seem a little "off" to some.  But hey, I have been accused being a little "off" myself from time to time.  So if you like these kind of movies, you should watch these trailers. You just may stumble upon your new favorite movie. 


1.  Baseketball-1998

(by the South Park guys)

PLOT:  

Two childhood friends are pro athletes of a national sport called BASEketball, a hybrid of baseball and basketball, and must deal with a greedy businessman scheming against their team.

QUOTE:  

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!
Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!
Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!
Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!
[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!
Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...
[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?
Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?
Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!
Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.
Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

TRAILER:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8WdDmAFcJw1.

2.  Grandma's Boy-2006

(by the Adam Sandler guys)

PLOT:  

A 35 year old video game tester has to move in with his grandma and her two old lady roommates.

QUOTE:  

Jeff: Grace... I have something to confess.
Grace: What's that?
Jeff: [pauses] You were my first.
Grace: Really? Oh, that's sweet. You were my...
 [thinks hard]
Grace: 3,000-something.
Jeff: [Raises hand to give a high five] Word up.

TRAILER:

  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEuOw3ihbs

3.  The Comebacks-2007

PLOT:
A comedy that spoofs the inspirational sports movies, The Comebacks tells the story of an out-of-luck coach, Lambeau Fields, who takes a rag-tag bunch of college misfits and drives them towards the football championships. In the process, this life-long loser discovers that he is a winner after all by redeeming himself.

QUOTE:
Michelle Fields: I want to have what you and mom have. 
Lambeau "Coach" Fields: Herpes?

TRAILER: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSjWZY9qkWY

4.  Hot Rod-2007

(by the Andy Samberg)

PLOT:  

Self-proclaimed stuntman Rod Kimble is preparing for the jump of his life - to clear fifteen buses to raise money for his abusive stepfather Frank's life-saving heart operation.

QUOTE:  

Dave: Hey, Rod, thanks for the ride. 

[Rod sees a chunk of metal lodged in Dave's eye and they both scream]
Dave: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Rod Kimble: Dave, what happened to your eye?
Dave: This? Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous. Well, I got off work early, and you know my buddy Derrick?       Well he was like, "I've got this acid, but I can't do it." And I was all like, "Well, I'll do it." So I did it. And by the time I got on my banana board, man, I was... I was tripping balls pretty hard, man. So I decided to get on my bench grinder, and a piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye. It was pretty awesome. And that brings us to now.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, just try and relax.
Dave: Can do, man. Can do. I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod. You look like a giant eagle with fire all  around you, and you've got a mountain for a face.
Rod Kimble: I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird seeing you drive this minivan.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, it's my mom's.
Dave: Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus. This really small bus, we just ran over it.
Rod Kimble: I didn't see anything.
Dave: Hey, we're here. Seriously, man, this is one of the top-ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.

TRAILER: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PlrxUzKYoI

5.  Sex Drive-2008

PLOT:  

A high school senior drives cross-country with his best friends to hook up with a babe he met online.  Seth Green plays the best sarcastic Amish person EVER!

QUOTE:
Fundraising Girl: Hi. I'm collecting for the underprivileged children of Ecuador. Would you like to help?
Andy: Not really.
Randy: We don't have any money.
Andy: No jobs.
Randy: You wanna party?
Fundraising Girl: Um, I'm kind of working right now.
Andy: When're you done?
Randy: Yeah, what're you doing after?
Fundraising Girl: I have a church thing tonight.
Andy: Kickass! We'll come.
Randy: Yeah, where is it?
Andy: Is there gonna be more hot snatch like you there?
Randy: Do you wear thong underpants?
Andy: Do you want us to take our shirts off?
Randy: What color bra are you wearing?
Andy: Is your mom hot too?
Randy: Are you into me? Where do you live?
Andy: What color car do you have?
Randy: Where do you live?
Andy: What's your address?
Randy: Do you want us to come over?
Andy: Do you like pizza?
Randy: We've been to a motel.

TRAILER:

  

chttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM6Aq7jSZwc

HONORABLE MENTIONS:


1.  Not Another Teen Movie-2001


PLOT:
A sendup of all the teen movies that have accumulated in the past two decades.


QUOTE:
Mr. Briggs: Hey, uhh... I might be late to pick you guys up.
Janey: Why, do you have a job interview today, daddy?
Mr. Briggs: No honey, I'll probably just be waaaay too drunk.
Janey: Oh, that's good, we don't want you drinking and driving.
Mr. Briggs: Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too shit-faced to remember to pick you guys up.
Janey: Ok, bye, daddy.
[Kisses him on the cheek]
Mr. Briggs: Bye, Pumpkin.


TRAILER:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdF6AfeBlH0

2.  Idiocracy-2006

(by the Beavis and Butthead guy)

PLOT:  

Private Joe Bauers, the definition of "average American", is selected by the Pentagon to be the guinea pig for a top-secret hibernation program. Forgotten, he awakes 500 years in the future. He discovers a society so incredibly dumbed-down that he's easily the most intelligent person alive.

QUOTE:  

Narrator: Joe decided that in order to get out of jail, he would have to use his superior diplomacy skills.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: [talking to the prison guard] Hey, uh... I'm actually supposed to be getting out of   jail, not going back in...
Prison Guard #2: [hits Joe on the back of the head] You're supposed to be in that line, dumbass!
[he points to the door]
Prison Guard #2: Hey, guys, let this dumbass out!

TRAILER:

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsJFNQd62Wk

3.  The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah


 Marshall And Felt Superbad About It-2010


PLOT:
Follows Andy, who needs to hook up with a hottie, pronto, because he hasn't had sex in... well, forever - and his luck isn't the only thing that's hard. His equally horny teenage roommates also need it superbad, and with the help of their nerdy pal, McAnalovin' and his fake I.D., they may tap more than just a keg.


TRAILER:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23i3YLBiHJQ

Let me know your favorite underdog movies and maybe I will find my new favorite movie as well.

Ode To My Jeep

She's not the cleanest
     I washed it in 2009
Why should I do it.
     When the rain does just fine.

The air doesn't work
     I must sadly confess
Time I get to work
     I am a sweaty mess.

The seat is tore
     The window lock is broken
You must ask the driver
     If you want the window open.

The sunroof doesn't leak
     But it also doesn't open
Maybe it will work again
     You can't blame a guy for hopin'.

Hear the speaker pop

     You're in no danger

Probably a loose wire

     To the defunct CD changer.

The hatch doesn't stay up
     When you lean in with that sack
Better pay attention
     as it comes down on your back.

The seat once broke
     While taking the kids to school
It looked like I was riding
     In the lunar module.

Do I smell a wet dog?
     Or is it burnt hair?
No my Jeep smells more like
     The goat barn at the fair.

See my wipers
     The fluid doesn't squirt
Don't worry for me though
     I'm used to looking through dirt.

The oil gauge sticks
     See the check gauge light
Drive it a little
     And then it's all right.

It's easy to laugh at me
     It's easy to scoff
Enjoy your big car payment
     My piece of shit's paid off.

God Forbid I Die

     You remember our elderly dog Vegas.  This is what I come home to sometimes when I get off work at 11p.m.

     It used to be much worse than it is now.  I think his advanced age has gotten him some pity from the rest of the family and a little extra care.  I used to always say that if I die, they might as well bury the dog with me because he is going to just suffer a slow, torturous death up here on earth of starvation and dehydration.  At least 6 feet down there with me, he would have some food for awhile and eventually, all the bones he would ever want to chew on.  Was that gross?  

     Well, at the end of last week, Vegas was having trouble with the stairs.  If you read my earlier blog, you know that he is almost 14 years old.  We live in a bi-level so unfortunately, there are stairs everywhere.  He went through a spell like this about 8 months ago but snapped out of it after a few days.  I decided to go ahead and build him a ramp to the backyard to make it easier.  

     With over $100 in materials, I was hoping it wouldn't turn out like his doghouse.  When he was young and deathly afraid of thunder, we accidentally left him outside when we went to Bloomington for the day and of course a storm rolled through.  We felt bad about this so I made him a very nice doghouse.

     Okay, this isn't the doghouse.  But this really is some dog's doghouse which is nicer than my people house, can you believe it?  His really was very nice.  In the 10 years we had it, he went into it 1 time to retrieve a treat that I had thrown in there.  And even that took him close to an hour of convincing himself if it was even worth it to dash in there and grab it.  If a storm came up, he would look for something to just stick his head under rather than go into the doghouse.  Maybe he would have gone in the above doghouse, but he probably wouldn't get a chance because I would kick him out and live in it myself.  Well, back to the ramp.  I built it Saturday afternoon.

     First board up.

     Hey, jackass.  You hot?  How about moving your work area 6 feet to the right.

     And it's done.  So I thought.  After tons of coaxing with treats, he started up it.  He slipped when he put his first foot on the ramp and he was done.  I put slats on it for footing and tried to lead him up it on a leash.  For someone so frail a day before, he was ferociously attacking that leash and he tried to jump over the edge.  This lead to a trip to Menards on Sunday for some modification materials.  But for now, the ramp was at least a fun toy for the neighborhood children.  Sunday afternoon, I got it done.

     Now it had indoor/outdoor carpet and a larger railing to thwart any more suicide attempts.  Now let's just see if he uses it.  C'mon Vegas, time to go out.

     DAMN!  It's the doghouse all over again.  I guess it's good though that he snapped out of his frailness again.  And actually, I did catch him using the ramp once today on his own without even having to hold a brontosaurus burger at the top of it for a bribe.